It’s Tortilla Time| Hi I’m Tori and This is my Story

I’m such a bum, since summer commenced I’ve really done nothing of significance. My new job is already awesome though, and I adore the flexibility and freedom that it grants me.

I’ve decided to continue my co-op position at the vet clinic throughout the summer, though I’ve cut down my hours drastically. I’m down to once a week for three hours, as I’m also working this full-time job. I went this morning and watched a lump removal surgery and a few routine dentistries. I have decided, however, that observing dental extractions prior to an orthodontist appointment is not using good judgement.

I cherish the freedom that I have to stay up as late as I desire, as I can awake at whatever hour I please. It doesn’t matter when I complete my work, as long as it is, in fact, completed. I get to remain clothed in my pyjamas all day, unless of course if I choose to take the dogs out for a run, which is a part of my daily regime.

I love this sense of freedom, as if you couldn’t already tell.

My life is at last unencumbered. I sincerely hope that it remains this way forever.

Ohio in eight days, fools.

This school year has at long last concluded.

I had my final exam today, and it still hasn’t completely dawned on me that I’m done for two months. I can finally stop and take a breath, as I’ve spent the last month immersed in a flood of homework, assignments and exam preparation.

And I’m going to Ohio in ten days!

I am so tired.

I have a biology exam tomorrow morning, though I do feel prepared and I am not overly stressed about it.

I am so tired.

I get to see my babies in twelve days. It is such a weird emotion, missing your brothers. Today I spoke briefly with Liam on the phone, which subsequently made me miss him more.

Liam- Hi.
Me- Hello Liam.
Liam- Hi.
Me- Liam!
Liam- Hi.
Me- I love you.
Liam- I love me.
….
Liam- Hi.

I’m going to Ohio in twelve days, which I am obviously extremely excited about.

I am so tired.

I should probably go to bed.

I’m very thankful that I have good friends like Yoon Baboon who help me see clearly when I can’t even think straight.

This afternoon found me shifting through old boxes, in desperate search of old journals that I have written. You see, I hope to eventually archive old journal entries on this site, too, in addition to my blog entries.

As I began sorting through old boxes, a particular booklet caught my eye. I immediately fished it out and opened it, taken aback when I realized that it was my parents’ divorce agreement. I opened it, perhaps against better judgement, and began reading intently. I knew that reading this booklet would release a flood of emotion, but I found myself unable to refrain from doing so.

My blood began to boil when I read of the vile tactics my father pulled throughout the process of their separation, most of which I was completely ignorant of. My parents decided to separate in October of 2000, my father not moving out until May of 2001. During those seven months, my father removed himself from family life, whilst my mother tried tirelessly to maintain a sense of family and togetherness for the sake of Ben and I.

Ben and I remained blissfully unaware of the tension lingering in our own home, a fact that I am ashamed of to this day. How could I have not have noticed? It wasn’t until April 29, 2001, a whole two days prior to our father’s departure, that we were informed of their intents to separate. Despite the fact that the separation had been planned for months, though unbeknownst to us, Ben and I were struck with a sense of grief and pure and utter shock.

Flipping through the pages, I learnt of several situations that I was previously unaware of. My father is a selfish, emotionless prick that could have cared less about our family. My mother suffered, as her sole concern was the wellbeing of her children. Despite the fact that my father became lazy and unwilling to help contribute to daily household tasks, my mum put on a brave face and sustained it all.

He withdrew himself from routine family activities, my mum was left to tend to it all. She lost a significant amount of weight on account of the sheer stress, and I had always blamed myself for this. Perhaps if I wasn’t such a demanding child my mum wouldn’t have been so stressed. I am irked now to know that I felt guilt for my father’s doings, not mine.

I was captivated by the divorce booklet for hours, and by the last page tears had welled up in my eyes. I looked up and the first thing I saw was an old picture peeking up from a box; it was of my parents together. It was then that I began to sob hysterically. Suppressed emotion had suddenly come rushing back, and I sat and cried to myself for a few moments. It was strangely therapeutic.

My mum had such a shitty time during the entire separation and divorce ordeal, and I was so caught up in my own emotions and heartache that I hadn’t even thought about what she had endured. Throughout the entire divorce, she had somehow fell victim to my blame. I blamed her for kicking dad out, and I wasn’t eager to forgive her, either.

I sit here is sheer amazement of the inner strength and determination of my mother. I am so gratified that she is my mother, as I have a strong, amazing female role model to look up to. She is most deserving of the happiness that she has found now, as she is with an absolutely amazing man. I can’t recall a time that she has been this content since the divorce.

I hope that my father, the vindictive snake that he is, enjoys his life with his new family and realizes what he has sacrificed and is missing out on.

My chem exam? Yeah, don’t even ask.

In all honesty, I reckon I bombed it. No amount of studying can ever properly prepare me for a chem test, let alone an entire exam. I believe it’s of significance to note that we don’t have midterms, just finals, so we must retain information from last September. But then again, that could just be me making excuses for my own inadequate self.

Deep down I do harbour a profound feeling of resentment, as I have honestly tried my damnedest this year and I still wasn’t good enough. It’s as if all of my efforts have gone unacknowledged, and I feel completely dejected. It seems so unjust that I can put forth a valid effort and fail, but others can brush it off and pass with flying colours.

I did joke yesterday about Plurking when I should have been studying, but it should be known that I actually did put forth hours of study time, even preparing page after page of study sheets. I did not leave my studying until yesterday, I have actually been preparing for this exam for weeks. All of which to no avail.

I should have just thrown my hands in the air in a fit of surrender at the beginning of the year, but no, I was far too optimistic. I succumbed to the naive mindset that I was capable of succeeding in anything if I tried hard enough and truly believed in myself. What a crock of bullshit. I am pleased that I was at least able to learn this lesson early on. Some people are just not cut out for certain things, and no amount of effort can alter that.

This feeling of uncertainty is absolutely agonizing, as it’s unclear whether I passed chemistry or not.

Congratulations chemistry, you win; I feel completely stupid. I don’t even care if I misused the semicolon, I’m in that sort of mood.

Well, I’m off to go cry in my room and loathe in self pity. Cheerio!

My good friends Yoon and PG have recently introduced me to the addiction that is Plurking.

I now find myself unable to type blurbs with more than 140 characters. I also have a difficult time no longer referring to myself in third person. It is strangely enjoyable.

My friends Baja, Oz and EOI have all joined the party. It is now near impossible for me to accomplish anything.

I am studying chemistry for half an hour, and then coming upstairs to plurk for half an hour. I DO NOT WANT TO OFFSET THE BALANCE.

Intensely.

I ache for my baby brothers. Even the one that looks like a potato. Hopefully I will see them before long.

As most of you have hopefully noticed, I created a ‘Daily Sound’ widget. The concept is quite self-explanatory, I will change the songs each day and add ones that I am currently listening to.

My band exam was mediocre. I got flustered at one point and messed up on the g flat melodic scale, though I realize that this most likely means nothing to most people.

Since the end of my grade eleven year is fast-approaching, I will now alleviate your anxiety and post The Best of Grade Eleven, sans chemistry.

I failed a lot.

The infamous Cameron Diaz incident.

It was sometimes thought that I had a mild form of ADD, as I possessed some difficulty finishing sentences.

C’mon, you can’t tell me that the pox in hypoxia doesn’t make you think of chicken pox.

At times I revealed my spiritual side and turned to God.

There are two in this one.

I am mildly disappointed because I know that I had far funnier tests than these. I will attempt to dig them up and will post any that I find.