It’s Tortilla Time

Ben- FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Me- What?
Ben- I GOT THE RING OF DOOM.
Me- AN ENGAGEMENT RING???
Ben- No! THE RING OF DOOM.
Me- What the HELL is the ring of doom?
Ben- It means that my xbox 360 is broken.
Me- Well maybe now you can learn to appreciate the smaller things in life.
Ben- Yeah, like my Wii.

Why do I always inadvertently make inappropriate comments in Literature class? This happened yesterday, as we marked our peers’ assignments.

Me- Okay, so you’ve done me, now I’ll do you.
…
Me- No, I won’t DO you, but I’ll like do your assignment.
…
Me- NO I WILL NOT DO YOUR ASSIGNMENT. I’m not freaky like that. I’ll mark your assignment. Not do it. I won’t do you or your assignment
…
Me- I hate this class.

My Literature Teacher - What do you think of when you see this picture of Walt Whitman?
Me - ZZ Top.

Today in Literature class we had to get in groups and discuss poems. I was placed in a group with a couple of girls that I’ve known since middle school, but don’t know overly well.

Brittany - Tori, is it okay if we discuss the second stanza?
Me - Sure, whatever. I’m easy.
…
Me - NO I don’t mean I’m easy. But I’m easy. Like I’m not EASY EASY but I’ll go along with anything.
…
Me - NO NOT ANYTHING. I mean I’m agreeable. Not easy. Definitely not easy. I’m not easy. But I agree.
…
Me - Let’s do the second stanza.

My English teacher while discussing his marking style:

‘I don’t look for commas and periods. I’m anal in a lot of ways, but that isn’t one.’

My friends and I exchanged awkward glances.

In English class:

Me- Hey Tyler, who is this King Henry the eighth guy?
Tyler- Oh well he-
Me- Wait, didn’t he die on the toilet?
Tyler- No Tori, that was Elvis. A different king altogether.

The doorbell rings.

Me- BEN GET IT.
Ben- I CAN’T.
Me- Ugh. FINE. I WILL ANSWER THE DOOR.
I answer the door to see the liberal candidate of our riding standing on my porch.
Liberal- Hi. Are you of voting age?
Me- No sorry, I am not.
Liberal begins to hand me piles of pamphlets.
Me- Fearing that he may ask if we want a liberal sign erected in our yard. Sorry, we’re actually conservative.
Liberal- Oh okay. Are your parents home?
Me- No.
Liberal- No?
Me- No.
Liberal- Well here, give them these. Hands over another mountainous pile of pamphlets.
Me- Sure.
Liberal- Bye.
Me- Bye.

I close the door.

Me- BEN! You’ll never believe what just happened. The liberal candidate knocked on our door and I said ’sorry, I’m conservative.’ CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??
Ben- AGAIN? That guy has been harassing me all week!
Me- What? Really?
Ben- Yeah, he’s always here. One time I was sitting on the couch, watching T.V., when I heard the doorbell ring. I looked through the window and saw him with all this liberal shit on, and I was all, fuck this, so I just sat back on the couch.
Me- And you left him hanging?
Ben- I left him hanging.

Well no fucking wonder he keeps coming back.

As we picked pears from our pear tree:

Me: OUCH Ben, why did you throw that pear at me?
Ben: Snickers uncontrollably.
Me: Grabs a tiny pear from the tree and takes aim at Ben.
Ben: Holds up a giant pear in his possession. Dude, what did I tell you? Don’t fuck with a guy with a bigger pear than you.

As I walk out of school in my foul mood this morning:

Teacher to male student: I think you dropped your shorts over there!
Student: Oh, thanks. I need them for wrestling after school.
Teacher: Well I’d like to see you try to wrestle without your shorts!
Me (Looks at guy): Ugh, I wouldn’t.

To my good friend Christina:

‘We will have at least one class together, despite our many timetable conflicts. And then we can sit beside each other, and make inappropriate sexual jokes all day long.’